Some Chinese practices: 11 (Let other people eat first)

 

Family upbringing is very important, I feel, as it sets the pattern for one's behaviour for the rest of one's life.

    Before I left for London, a few people in Singapore said a few things to me about life and people over here -- how differently things are done.

    One of those was:  if you turn up at a Westerner's house near dinner time, s/he would ask you to sit in the living room (maybe give you a cup of tea) while they finish their meal first.  A Chinese host, however, would almost always invite you to join them.  A common Chinese expression is, "We only need to add an extra pair of chopsticks and another bowl."

    When I was growing up, if a guest were to turn up too close to dinner for us to let them leave without making us look mean and inhospitable, yet there wasn't enough food for the extra person (and no time to whip up another dish), one of us (usually the children) would opt out. 

    A bit of background here:  For a guest to feel comfortable, the portions have to be generous, to the point of there being much more food than can be consumed at that one sitting.  As it is, the etiquette rules are already that a guest should try not to eat too much, sometimes not even his/her own usual amount.  I've even heard of people who actually eat BEFORE they go for a meal as guests of the other side, so that they can honestly declare they cannot eat much.

    For a family meal, especially for small eaters like my family, and who try not to have leftovers if possible, the portions might look ungenerous to an outsider, certainly a guest.  One person opting out might help to redress that a bit.

    I was usually the one who offered to opt out, saying I was meeting friends outside somewhere for something, then go and sit quietly in my bedroom in the annexe.  Why sit in my bedroom and not go out to the roadside stall to get some noodles or something?  Couldn't afford to risk the guest catching me coming home with food from outside.  

    If there was no food left after the guest had gone, I'd then go and get my food from the roadside stall, so the sitting in the bedroom would be done on an empty stomach.

    I'd never resented such an arrangement, though, accepting it as part of my culture and how we must make our guests feel welcome.  It's not the food, it's the courtesy one shows to other people with that gesture.  Always think of other people first.  The squid-fishing man had obviously never been taught that by his parents.

 

(Singapore, 1960s–1975)