Out of one's depth: 01 (American eating chilli crab in Singapore)

American Sally sat next to me on the Jakarta–Singapore flight in January 1974.

    She had spent Xmas in Bali (like me, but our paths hadn't crossed) and was stopping over in Singapore en route back to Taiwan where she was a school nurse at the American School in Tainan (south Taiwan).

    As she'd never been to Singapore before, didn't know anyone there, and hadn't booked her accommodation (this was decades before online bookings), I invited her home to stay and took time out from my secretarial course to show her around Singapore over the following few days.

    One evening, I took her to a seafood dinner with the rest of my family -- as with Chinese meals, one needs a crowd to share the range to get the full benefits.

    One of the dishes was, naturally, chilli crab that Singapore is famous for.  It's crab broken up into chunks, and comes covered in a thick spicy and garlicky sauce (my simplistic description for it as a culinary ignoramus).

    I put a few pieces onto Sally's plate.  Everyone else tucked in.

    Sally sat there, all at sea (ha! word play!).  Eventually, she asked, "How do I go about eating it?"

    For those who need to know how:  

* pick up the crab pieces with your fingers, and suck out as much flesh (and gravy) as you can;

* use the bread cubes provided to wipe up your plate so as not to waste the delicious gravy (and all the money, time and effort that had gone into making it), as well as to minimise what goes into the bin for ecological considerations;

* lick off the surplus gravy that's left on your fingers;

* wipe your fingers (I'm trying to remember if a finger bowl was provided for rinsing your hands).

    It is a messy process, but there's really no civilised and dainty way of going about it that I can think of.

(Singapore, 1974)

Out of one's depth: 00 (An introduction)

AI definition:

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In English, the phrase "out of one's depth" means to be in a situation that is beyond one's capability, knowledge, or experience.  It describes the feeling of being overwhelmed because a task or conversation is too difficult for you to handle or understand.

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Cultural practices can be a tricky thing for the uninitiated.

    The most obvious trip-up situations off the top of my head would be:

*  Westerners using chopsticks;

*  Chinese people (can't speak for other Orientals) using Western cutlery; 

* non-Muslims eating with their hands at a meal with Muslims (avoiding handling food with their left hand).

    This series is from my own observations.

Good practices: 11 (Whole cloves in cooking)

Cloves (丁香 / dīngxiāng) are a common ingredient in Chinese cooking, especially in dishes like slow-braised meat dishes, called 紅燒 / 红烧 / hóngshāo / "red burn".

    I associate them with toothache, from my childhood experience of using them for short term pain relief, so biting into one in a hongshao dish does not bring pleasant memories.

    One solution is to note how many cloves have gone into that hongshao dish, so that one can fish them out before serving.

    I first came across this method when visiting a couple (Aldo and Ling) back in 1979 or 1980.  For dinner, they'd made a dish using cloves.  Each time they came across a whole clove, they'd put it aside and say aloud, "That's one, which means x left."  Very systematic way of avoiding an explosion of a toothache-association taste in your mouth.

    Another way is to use a small bag (made of muslin or something) just for holding them, which will make it even easier:  no need to fish out the bag at the end, just let it sit in the stew.

Good practices: 10 (Crossing the road with an elderly person)

It's now been almost two months since I met, and started helping, a 94-year-old woman from a country not far from my place of birth.

    The circumstances of how I'd come to be doing this will be covered in another blog.  What this blog is about is how I've been training her to be more road traffic conscious, to make her less dependent on whoever it is who happens to be with her at the time.  At the moment, that person is me five days/week, but I'm trying to prepare her for the time when I won't be able to be by her side, for whatever reason, or if/when she's on her own, which will be most likely most of the time.

    One of the things I've been doing five days/week since I first met her is taking her to all the soup kitchen places that I know of.  This is to:

* show her where she can eat free meals (thus saving her money, time and effort);

* let her get extra food in the form of takeaways of the surplus food at these soup kitchen meals (after all, they have to throw away uneaten food under Health and Safety rules);

* give her a specific reason for getting out of the house, which is also physical exercise for her, having to make her way to these places;

* give her a change of scene, travelling to new places and meeting new people (even though some of the soup kitchen attendees are rough and aggressive), thus brain exercise as well.

(Another routine is taking her to free energy adjustment healing sessions for her long list of health issues, but that's for another blog.) 

    I first noticed her inattention when I was taking her back to King's Cross station after a free energy adjustment session.  We were standing at a set of traffic lights when people started to cross over when there were no cars immediately in sight (even though the lights were still green for the vehicular traffic), and she simply followed suit.  I pulled her back in time from an oncoming lorry.  I had to remind her repeatedly afterwards to make sure that the pedestrian crossing light was green, rather than blindly following the crowd.

    Subsequent episodes:  simply crossing without looking, be it just a back street, or a side road at a junction with a main road.

    I started to stand back at the kerb, and watch what she'd do.

    The first time, she'd assume I was crossing alongside her and walk on (presumably leaving me to check for oncoming traffic), so I had to call out to her to stop and look.

    The next time, she'd stop when I stopped (to wait to see what she'd do), and just stand there, without looking up to see why I was stopping.  Again, just blindly following my lead.

    After a few more times of this, she's now learned to look up, look right, then left, then right.  (The Green Cross Code was a UK pedestrian road safety campaign launched in 1970.)

    The significance of her having to learn to look up:  she's since explained that she's mostly looking down while walking along, to make sure she doesn't trip over objects left on the pavement, or step on what dog owners let their dogs leave behind.  (The littering problem is quite bad in London.)

(London, 2026)

Good practices: 09 (Going up/down steps with an elderly person)

This is my first time looking after someone as elderly as 94.

    Prior to this, I'd looked after a 92-year-old and an 89-year-old (my then landlord and landlady at Belfiore Lodge in Highbury), and an 84-year-old (my ex-teacher at SOAS [School of Oriental and African Studies, University of London]).  This one is the oldest to date.

    I'm learning new things all the time these last seven weeks since I first met her and helped to lug her heavy shopping trolley and big plastic bag, both filled with cooked Thai food, back to her home.

    One of those new things is anticipating her falling when going up or down steps at Tube stations.  It's something that came to me from accompanying her every step of the way, a sort of common sense one develops from being immersed in the actual situation.

    When going up a flight of steps, I'd keep behind her, so as to be there to catch her or break her fall should she trip over a step.

    When going down a flight of steps, I'd go ahead of her, to catch her or break her fall should she trip over a step.

(London, 2026)

Dysfunctional communications: 04 (Gary Ward)

 

An appeal for energy adjusters to go and work on someone in hospital was made to the healing charity that I've been involved with.

    The message sent out to the charity's WhatsApp group was brief, saying something like, "Can someone go and give energy adjustment to someone in intensive care?"  

    Then, the information:  "Gary Ward, XYZ Hospital, ABC Road, London".

    I responded with, "Is Gary Ward the name of the patient or the name of the hospital ward?"

    Back came a text from an officer of the London branch of the charity, "You are not allowed to go and do energy adjustment without the permission of the charity."

    Huh??!!  Who said anything about going??  She was so keen to blast people off that she put 2 and 2 together, and came up with 5.  (I say "blast people off" because that's her usual demeanour:  ready to bite one's head off -- not just with her tongue, one look is enough.)

    Reminds me of Dino the dog who was adopted at the French farm:  barking as soon as he heard the other dogs on the farm bark, with no idea what he was supposed to be barking at or about.  Just join in the barking for the hell of it.  A British student of mine who'd lived out in the Far East once said that people there "do like to scold people".

    It's also bad publicity for the charity, as people get put off working with/for them.  Bad mouth can sometimes, if not often (or worse, will always), be quicker to result in a damaging impact or leave a longer lasting negative effect, however good the heart.

(London, 2024)

Dino in blog Aptly named dog:  https://piccola-chinita.blogspot.com/2012/01/aptly-named-dog-france.html

Dysfunctional communications: 03 (Why have we been pitched to the front of the queue?)

Dysfunctional:

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In psychology and interpersonal relationships, it specifically refers to a flawed communication pattern that fails to convey information effectively and instead triggers misunderstandings, conflicts, alienation, or psychological harm. This type of communication commonly occurs within dysfunctional families, romantic relationships, or workplace teams.

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One of the soup kitchen places is run by Mother Teresa nuns who try to get people to attend the pre-dinner service.  Not obligatory, one can still be let in for the meal next door.

    The first time I attended the service, we were led out of the chapel at the end and taken to the front of the queue standing outside the gate.

    I asked aloud of those people who'd attended the service, "Why are we standing at the front of the queue?  Might we not be suspected of queue-jumping?"  (Because things can get ugly.)

    Hong Kong soup kitchen veteran said, "You'll be taken through the gate, then into the canteen for the meal."

    Huh??!!

    I said, "That wasn't what I was asking about.  I was asking why we've been pitched to the front of the queue when these people have already been in the queue.  I don't want them to think we're jumping the queue."

    The soup kitchen veteran said, "The nuns will come and open the gate, they will lead us into the canteen, where we will sit down for the meal."

    Huh??!?!!???  (How do people use their ears???)

    I said, "That wasn't what I was asking."

    The soup kitchen veteran then said, "OK, I'LL SHUT UP THEN!"

    Well, it'll certainly be less perplexing than giving a non sequitur response.

(London, 2026)