Case study 1 for my wondering why I should feel hurt having the door slammed in my face when I needed help from the people I'd been helping for a long time, unstintingly.
Someone in her 80s (let's call her Wang Meiling) said to me one day that her husband was in pain from sciatica. Being me, I instantly leapt into action, going to her house to give him massage.
Upon arrival, I was asked if I could also give her son one. Nothing serious, it turned out, mainly some pain in the lower back and shoulder -- just a bit of wear and tear from being almost half a century in age.
Then it was herself as well: all sorts of aches and pains, all over, from head to feet.
Yes, it did have a whiff of the hitchhiker's trick to it, but I went along with it as I'm passionate about healing and pain relief, and my upbringing won't let me walk away from helping people if I'm in a position to. The opposite of 見死不救 / 见死不救 / jiàn sǐ bù jiù / "see dying not save".
(For those who might not know: a female hitchhiker in a skimpy dress or pair of shorts thumbs a lift. When the car stops for her, with the driver more likely than not a male one, out from behind the bushes jumps a chap, or more [who might not have been so successful].)
And yes, I didn't have to let myself continue to be used, by not returning after that first visit. However, my upbringing has been: 施不望報 / 施不望报 / shī bù wàng bào / give without expecting anything back. This is an old couple who needed help in pain relief (and moral/emotional support), I was able to provide it -- my upbringing has instilled in me that I can't walk away when faced with such a situation. I couldn't 見死不救 / 见死不救 / jiàn sǐ bù jiù / "see dying not save". My conscience (良心 / liáng xīn / "good heart") wouldn't let me.
She never offered any monetary payment, and I never broached it, not even to let them know how much it'd cost them if they were to go outside for their massages, never mind have someone go to their home. All they had to do was wait in the comfort of their own home, no travelling to do, no petrol to spend on their journey there and back.
I often arrived with fruit that I'd buy from a stall en route, because my upbringing says never arrive empty handed, even though I was doing them a favour.
so I was spending at least three hours, often longer, of my time relieving three people of their aches and pains nearly every Sunday, plus money bearing gifts as if it was a social call. (She did invite me to stay for dinner. How much can one eat?)
(For reference: massage shops charged around £55/hour to £75/hour, the last time I looked two decades ago. Yes, I'm aware that these businesses have to pay rent and other overheads.)
I'm not very good at asking for help, so when I do, it's because I'm desperate.
One January, I was doing my tax returns, and needed to make a call to my bank in Singapore for some information.
Calls to institutions often take a long time -- one has to explain what one wants from them, they then have to go and look it up, and so on.
I thought it might be much less expensive to make that long distance call from a landline number, which I don't have. So, I phoned this Wang Meiling, explaining that I was desperate for time (being very close to the deadline for the tax returns submission), and very stressed out over it, and asked if I could go to her house and use her landline phone for this.
Back came a very hesitant: "Oh, I don't know..."
(In case you're thinking I might've misunderstood her hesitation: being sensitive to issues like displays of loyalty and moral support, I then withdrew my request. She didn't pursue it on that occasion, nor did she ever bring it up again. My impression was [still is] that she was relieved she wasn't going to have to pay for that international phone call, even though I'd said I'd pay for it. This incident has left a horrible taste in my mouth and heart -- to this day. The word "betrayal" comes to mind, staying to this day. The only consolation, if any is to be had from it, is that they'd lost out on three free massages every single Sunday thereafter.)
In the context of 施不望報 / 施不望报, though, I still can't explain why I should have felt so betrayed and hurt by her not helping me out on such a small thing (even if I weren't so stressed out and desperate, which I was at the time and had conveyed it in no uncertain terms to her).
(London, 2024)
