Whose responsibility is it? (Singapore)

An ex-student (American Chinese) has just been talking, not for the first time, about how misogynistic the Chinese culture / family can be, saying women are invisible entities, not being included in family trees.  (I'm giving only a summary here, as she feels very strongly about it and has lots to say on the subject.)

My reply to her:  Quote 家谱、族谱 [jiāpǔ, zúpǔ / “family/clan trees”] are compiled by men indeed, but I blame the women, too, for they're the ones who also have a hand in bringing up the male children and grandchildren.  Two examples spring to mind from my own experience.  This conversation with you has inspired a blog, so will go draft it, then share it with you. Unquote

My mother’s younger brother (of two) lived with us in the suburbs of Singapore as he worked downtown, whilst my grandmother had a coconut plantation out in the sticks which would require about three, if not four or more, bus changes, never mind a few hours’ travelling time each way, even in the days of the relatively uncluttered roads of the early 60s.

This uncle carried on living with us after he got married (and had two daughters under our roof before he moved out into a house of his own).  Being a modern free-love (vs arranged marriage) man, he was liberal in his ways, which included helping his wife with their own laundry — done by hand in those days.

One day, my maternal grandma, dropping in on us en route to the Buddhist temple she frequented, walked in on my uncle helping his wife wring out the clothes and hang them up.  She was appalled, and said to him openly, “How can you do that?  That’s a woman’s work!”

I was only about nine at the time, but even then, I was shocked that my grandma, a woman herself, should’ve told her son off for helping his wife out in what she called “woman’s work”.  

In the late 60s, I was privy to another episode of a mother not doing the right thing in bringing up her male child.  

The whole family was having dinner.  My brother, the first to finish, got up and was about to leave the table. 

 

In my family, we were taught to take our empty dishes to the kitchen sink, which was only about four feet away from the dining table.  We had a domestic help (we called them “servants” in those days without any particular bias, but a lot of British friends objected to the term), but we were brought up to treat them well, so we’d help out as much as we could, e.g., taking our empties over to the sink instead of leaving it all to her.

As my brother took a step away, my second sister (older than my brother by two years) called out, “Dave, take your empty dishes to the sink.”  He stopped because my sister had called out his name, took a look at his empty dishes, then chose to ignore what she said and started to walk away.  

My sister insisted, “Dave, did you hear what I said?  Take your dishes over to the sink.”  This time, he didn’t dare disregard her authority over him as his older sibling.  He came back, and took the empty dishes over to the sink as told.  

All this time, throughout the two exchanges, not a single sound was heard from my mother, not even some kind of “yes, that’s right, listen to your older sister” in support.

I often blame the mothers for bad behaviour in men.  Can I be blamed for that?  

(I also give credit to mothers for good behaviour.  I've found myself saying to young people who give up their seats or help old people on/off the bus: "Compliments to your mother.  She's brought you up well."  Some people might find this )

(The outcome of my second sister’s disciplining my brother:  he always took his dishes over to the sink after that.)

Fast forward to the late 80s, when my mother’s younger sister died of breast cancer.  The beneficiaries of her will were:  my mother, her two younger brothers, and my brother.  So, she’d skipped one generation and included my brother, her nephew, but she’d also skipped the four of us girls in the same generation.  This is a woman being sexist towards members of her own sex.

(Singapore, 1960s)

PS:  Thanks to Li Hsia for prompting this long overdue social comment, albeit only based on my own experience.