Chinese small talk: 01 (The wooden horse)

 

A mainland Chinese woman in the 80s told me this story.  Let's call her Wang Meiling.  

    Wang Meiling was going back to China on a visit.  A mainland friend over here asked her to take a wooden horse (don't know what size) for him, to be handed over to a friend.  Wang Meiling had not been given any details, just that the Chinese party would get in touch with her at some point.  (This smacks a bit of a spy story, no?)

    One day, a Chinese chap turned up at her hotel room and, being Chinese, Wang Meiling couldn't ask him outright what he was there for.  They sat down and conducted some small talk, e.g., when had she arrived, how long had she been living in the UK, was she visiting family in China, etc.  

    Wang Meiling didn't know where this was leading, but couldn't come out straight and ask.  So the small talk continued for quite a while.  

    When they ran out of things to say and it was obvious that it was time for him to take his leave, the man then said, pointing at the wooden horse, "这马是我的 / zhè mǎ shì wǒ de / this horse is mine."

    Even Wang Meiling, a mainlander, said, "Why couldn't he have come straight out, right from the start, and saved me all that time sitting there, wondering what he was doing visiting me at the hotel, wracking my brain for something to say in small talk?"

Chinese small talk: 00

 

The Chinese in my experience are generally not very good at or keen on small talk.

    When it comes to a meal out to mark some occasion, or even a banquet celebrating a wedding or a significant birthday (60th is the standard, as the person has completed a full cycle in the Chinese tradition), people tend to arrive, sit down, eat and leave.

    They don't tend to go for the pre-meal chat-and-drink that is fairly standard practice with Westerners attending such an occasion.  Any drinking is done at the table, with the food, not before the meal.

    If they have visitors, I've seen a lot of Chinese people actually switch on the telly as soon as the guests arrive, for distraction should the conversation run dry, I think.

    In my experience, most small talk is conducted as a preamble to talking about something delicate -- covered in more detail in the blogs citing individual scenarios.  

    Reminds me of trout tickling.

(from googling)

Trout tickling is a traditional hand-fishing method where a person slowly and gently rubs a trout's belly while it's resting under a bank, eventually causing it to enter a trance-like state. Once the fish is "hypnotized," the tickler can grasp it firmly, typically by the gills, and throw it onto the bank. This technique requires immense patience and a very gentle, delicate touch.

Chinese sayings: 43 (習焉不察 / 习焉不察)

習焉不察 / 习焉不察

xí yān bù chá

"get-used-to it not detect"

This is a phrase from Mencius 孟子, about not detecting problems in something when one's got so used to it, i.e., can't see the flaws due to familiarity.

    An example has just popped up as I'm writing this:  smells.  It can be a good / nice smell, but it's normally a bad one that some people immediately notice and crinkle up their noses at, but those close to the source of the smell don't notice it at all as they've got so accustomed to it.  

    A chap working in an office space right at the top of the four-storey building where I worked in the early 80s had such strong body odour that even when he'd gone out of sight, his B.O. would linger for hours on the stairs — people who'd not seen him walk up the stairs would know he'd come in.  Yet, he had five children.  (I'll leave you to make the connection.)

    In my case, it was with a girl in my class when I was 11.  Let's call her Wang Mei Ling.  One day, someone noticed that Wang Mei Ling was absent.  Someone else asked me, "Wang Mei Ling?  Is that the girl with the glasses?"  I couldn't answer that question — my mind was a total blank as to the minor details.  Spectacles?  Fringe?  Long or short hair?  No idea.  (I'm the same with age as well.)

    As I now keep saying to people, "I only see the soul, I don't see the shell."

PS:  A good example of this is in blog https://piccola-chinita.blogspot.com/2025/12/the-temple-in-mountains-nepal.html 

The original Mencius text that contained this phrase:

「習焉不察」出自《孟子·盡心上》。該段原文為：「行之而不著焉，習矣而不察焉，終身由之而不知其道者，眾也。」。這句話的意思是，很多人習慣了某種事物，反而沒有仔細去覺察其中的問題。

“习焉不察”出自《孟子·尽心上》。该段原文为：“行之而不着焉，习矣而不察焉，终身由之而不知其道者，众也。”。这句话的意思是，很多人习惯了某种事物，反而没有仔细去觉察其中的问题。

(google translate) The phrase "习焉不察" (xí yān bù chá) comes from Mencius, Book 7, Part 1. The original text reads: "They do things without realizing it, they become accustomed to them without examining them, and they follow them throughout their lives without understanding their true nature—this is the way of the masses." This means that many people become so accustomed to something that they fail to carefully observe the problems within it.

(AI says) Mencius lived from approximately 371 to 289 BC, though some sources suggest alternative dates such as 385 to 303 BC.  He was a Chinese philosopher during the late Zhou dynasty who is considered the second most important sage in Confucianism, after Confucius. 

(AI says) The Zhou Dynasty [周朝 Zhōu cháo] lasted from approximately 1046 BC to 256 BC, and is divided into the Western Zhou (1046–771 BC) and Eastern Zhou (771–256 BC) periods.  The Eastern Zhou is further divided into the Spring and Autumn and Warring States periods.

Chinese characters: 07 (肥 / 胖 vs 瘦)

 

肥 / 胖 vs 瘦

féi / pàng vs shòu

"fat / fat" vs "thin, lean"

These Chinese characters are interesting for revealing cultural perspectives.

    The characters for "fat / obese" are written with the flesh radical (the left hand side of 肥 / 胖), yet the character for "thin / lean" is written with the sickness radical (the 疒 element in 瘦).

    (The radical part of a Chinese character indicates the category of the meaning, e.g., water radical characters are to do with water, be they nouns or verbs or adjectives: 池 chí / pond, 洗 xǐ / to wash, 清 qīng / clear [vs 濁 / 浊 zhuó / muddy].)

    This is to do with the historical situation, I think.

    With (among other things) the constant floods and famines, there was always the insecurity and worry about food being enough.

    A Chinese will comment on someone who has put on weight with "你發福了 / 你发福了 / nǐ fā fú le / "you have developed blessings", which AI says can be a joke, or is "tactful, diplomatic or euphemistic".  

    I think it can actually be a genuine compliment, especially in the old days, or with the older generation, because being fat means that one has enough to eat.

See also my mother's attempt at putting on weight:  https://piccola-chinita.blogspot.com/2013/06/one-way-of-putting-on-weight-or-not.html 

Chinese sayings: 42 (攀轅扣馬 / 攀辕扣马)

 

攀轅扣馬 / 攀辕扣马

pān yuán kòu mǎ

"climb shaft detain horse"

This is another saying about hospitality:  climbing onto the shaft of the cart and detaining the horse to stop the guest from leaving.  That's taking hospitality a bit far, isn't it??

    Having been brought up in the Chinese tradition, I can certainly relate to the duty of trying to make your guests feel welcomed, but not to the point of climbing onto the bonnet and withholding their car keys (the modern equivalent).  Hahahahaha.  

See also:  牽衣投轄 / 牵衣投辖

https://piccola-chinita.blogspot.com/2023/12/chinese-sayings-20.html 

The Pavlov's dog effect

(AI says)  "Pavlov's dog" refers to the famous experiments by Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov that demonstrated classical conditioning. Through repeated association, dogs learned to salivate at the sound of a bell because it was consistently paired with the presentation of food. This led to the discovery of classical conditioning, where a neutral stimulus becomes a conditioned stimulus, triggering a conditioned response after being paired with an unconditioned stimulus.

    I have a cockroach phobia, which I don’t with spiders, or snakes, or other creepy crawlies.  Cockroaches generally don’t bite (not in the sense of attacking, anyway), so my phobia can’t be due to that.

    One day, it struck me that it might’ve come from one of the ways of childminding that I’d observed in my younger days in Singapore.

    I’d seen old people (usually the grandparent generation), using verbal control to stop toddlers from getting into a dangerous situation (e.g., getting too close to the main door and therefore to the street), to save themselves from having to physically chase after them and bring them back, which is very tiring for the old person.

    I’d hear them saying (in dialect and in a breathless, alarming, scary, warning tone of voice), “Don’t go, don’t go.  Police, police, arrest, arrest!”  

    And the toddler would usually stop or pull back, more because of the tone of voice than the semantics.  My theory is that the Pavlov’s dog effect then sets in for the rest of their lives, associating the concept of (or word) “police” with something frightening, scary, terrifying.

    I think they might have used “cockroach” with me instead.

How to prevent jet lag

 

This trick of mine works well for me.

    As soon as I get on the plane, even before it takes off, I’ll set my watch to the destination time.  So, if I get on a Singapore-bound plane in London at midnight, I’ll adjust my watch to read 7am / 8am which is the time in Singapore (depending on whether it’s BST [British Summer Time] or GMT [Greenwich Meridian Time]).

    Throughout the flight, I’ll look at my watch and think, “Ah, it’s 7am/8am.  Breakfast time!” or something along those lines to create an association, to train the brain/body into being in the destination time frame throughout the duration of the flight.

    By the time I arrive in Singapore, my body will have been in the Singapore time frame for 12-odd hours (if it’s a direct flight), or longer (if it’s not a direct flight).

    If your plane arrives in Singapore in the morning, you will have a long day ahead to fight jet lag if it hits you.  Or waste some of your time there, sleeping it away.

    Of course, sleep as much as possible throughout the flight, and drink lots of water.