What pub customers say: 2 (London)

I was asked to help out on a Wednesday closing shift.  As it was mid-week, we didn't have the doormen, so it was my job as the closing-shift staff to tell the customers when it was time for them to drink up and leave.

I went for the short version.  Instead of saying, "You have ten minutes to drink up and leave," I just went around saying, "You have ten minutes," as it'd be understood in general.

One of the tables had three Spanish customers in their thirties: two women and a bloke.

The man responded with a big cheeky smile, "YES PLEASE!"  From his facial expression, I didn’t get the impression he had in mind "ten minutes for drinking".

When we made eye contact, I knew I was right.  We both burst out laughing.

(London, 2018)

Benny the beluga whale (London)

A beluga whale appeared in the Thames in September.  Theories abound as to what it was doing there, so far away from its natural habitat.  

Four months on, it’s still there.  A recent newspaper report says it looks like it’s decided to make the Thames “its playground”.

When it first appeared, people gave it the name of Benny (presumably to sort-of alliterate with “beluga”?).

BBC’s Radio 4 has a weekly current affairs quiz show, called The News Quiz, with celebrities making up the two teams.  They insert witty side comments, injecting light-heartedness into what would otherwise be a dry show, so it’s more an entertainment programme than a real test of the participants’ knowledge of the latest happenings.

The week Benny the beluga whale appeared in the Thames, this piece of news was, naturally, one of the items.

A male participant asked, “Why the name Benny?  How does one know it’s a male?”  A female participant’s immediate response was, “Because it got lost, but wouldn’t ask for directions!”

(London, 2018)

What pub customers say: 1 (London)

Was moving the high chairs for the high tables back into place when I heard a customer saying to his friend, “Oh look, she’s almost as tall as the chair!”  

Still laughing days later.

(London, 2018)

Serendipitously inspired (London)

I was sweeping up the autumn leaves in the front yard on Monday when a Jewish next-door neighbour came over to chat.  Said he’d seen me working in the back garden before.

He said he and his brother run a construction company, called Mega, so I asked for a business card.  Looked at the surname — Margolis — and asked if it meant anything.  He said, “Diamond.  Ruby.”  I said, “A gem.  Like your company name backwards.”  If he had a chair to fall off, he would’ve, that very moment.  It’d never occurred to him before.

He said Mega was made up of M for Margolis, E for his name, G and A for his brother’s.

(London, 2018)

No common sense (London)

Wood Green Tube station on the northbound Piccadilly line has three escalators.  

Normally, the middle escalator is at rest.  

The down escalator is closest to the southbound platform, which makes sense, as people going from Wood Green are more likely to go south (heading for Central London and Heathrow Airport) than go north (with only five more stations after Wood Green).  

The up escalator is closest to the northbound platform, which again makes sense:  people disembarking at Wood Green would be more likely to be on the northbound train from Central London, as evidenced by the huge crowds spilling out from the northbound train, especially at peak hours.

The previously-down escalator is recently under some sort of refurbishment, so it’s all boarded up.

For some reason, instead of letting the middle escalator take on the down-moving role and leave the up escalator as it was, someone decided to switch it round, so that the escalator nearest to the northbound platform is now down-moving.  This means that people coming down, who are more likely to catch the southbound train, end up cutting across the now-up escalator for the southbound platform, and people getting off the northbound train are cutting across them to get to the middle escalator, which is now the up escalator.  

The result is two streams of passengers interweaving with each other.

The station actually put up signs on the boards alongside the now-shut escalator, saying: 

QUOTE To help you travel through the station more quickly UNQUOTE

The left hand obviously doesn’t communicate with the right hand here.

(London, 2018)